PAPERLICIOUS

And So It Goes

I'm beyond the stress of the season and into my absolute favorite time -- the day or two right before Christmas.  It feels magical.  I still have wrapping (and possibly) some gift buying left, and tons of cooking, but it all seems manageable.  (It helps to have a husband/elf)!

That's not where I was even 24 hours ago.  Too much too fast.  In fact the month of December, both at work and at home, were just too much too fast.  I felt like I was running from one thing to the next. 

To give me just an inch more breathing space I wrote to Claire at Waltzingmouse Stamps and told her I was "resigning" whatever it was I was doing with Waltzingmouse!  She's a dear and her company is going to fly off into wonderful places, so it was a hard but necessary choice. 

Here's a bit of what I observed as Waltzingmouse Stamps got off the ground.   

It isn't as easy as it looks!  And I only had a peek of what Claire does.  Even trying to decide on sentiments seems simple to me, but gee, there are maybe a million choices!

The biggest thing I learned however, was how honorable Claire is.  Once in a while, I hear from readers  who fill me in on ripped off designs, cut throat maneuvers, etc.  Stamping is like any other business -- full of good honorable folk and a few that cut corners or are downright dishonest (luckily the latter seems rare).  As a consumer, I just see the fun side -- the images, the fast service.  We demand a LOT. 

I watched Claire time and again have to decide what to do with a tricky situation -- a design of hers that ended up being too similar to something just released by another company (walked away); quality control issues where Claire always put the customer first, sometimes at great personal cost; always choices to avoid hard or hurt feelings.    I was honored to be along for the ride!  So, now I'm a customer only and look forward to seeing what Claire produces in 2010. 

Speaking of 2010, some blog changes are coming!  I hope to have a new design sometime in the next couple of months and perhaps will be blogging less.  I yearn to polish some of my stamping skills and not rush to produce something to keep the blog active. We'll see.  The point is to breathe, relax and enjoy.

And so as 2009 winds down -- for those of you who celebrate Christmas, MERRY ON!  And to all of you, thanks! 

"Sggchilett fired Tiger"

Oh Christmas Tree.  Not yet, not in my house.

Too busy dealing with the latest Mom event.  For the past year or so my Mom gets panic attacks.  This usually happens when she gets up to walk.  I think she is afraid of falling, breaking a hip and dying.  Just a theory.  These are getting worse, and frankly, have become her biggest health issue.

So her doctor tells her to double her dose of xanax, an anti anxiety drug.   (I'm really NOT happy with this doc).  No more panic attacks.  However, in their place, was a completely schlossed old lady.

Her caretaker called me at work yesterday morning to tell me that my Mom was fast asleep at the kitchen table and had put her hand in the hot bowl of Cream of Wheat.  "What should I do?"  I'm at work (thank the lord).  I have NO idea what to do.  But I'm in charge so I have to give an answer.  She cleans up my Mom and puts my Mom on the phone later that morning.

Me:  Mom, you are drunk with too much xanax.

Mom:  What?

Me: repeat.

Mom:  What?

Me:  repeat

Mom:  "Sggchilett fired Tiger"

Me:  Hangs up phone.

My Mom loves (loved??) Tiger Woods.   Watched him play all the time.  I guess she's upset that Gillette fired him as a spokesman.  Not sure though.

So I took away the pills and gave her a much smaller dose today.  She still seems weird (even for her).  Amazingly, I found an outpatient clinic staffed with board certified shrinks that takes Medicare and she has an appointment for January.

The lady at the clinic asked me if I would be coming in with my Mom. 

Me:  "Are you kidding? My Mom talking to a psychiatrist?  I wouldn't miss this for the world."

This weekend, the tree goes up.

Lucky

In the past month 2 folks called me lucky.  The first was my neighbor. Her mom lives in Poland in a nursing home.  My neighbor told me how lucky I was that my Mom lived with me and I could take care of her. 

Then tonight I had to bring my Mom to the ER.  Normally, she goes by ambulance, but I took her to the urgent care clinic in the early evening for a very sore arm/shoulder and the doc listened to her lungs and told me to take her to the ER.**  So I dropped her off at the door and had to move my car immediately as it was blocking the ambulance entrance. 

I managed to snag a prime parking spot right in front of the regular entrance to the hospital -- important because it was already dark and I do not like to walk to or from the parking lots at night, plus I was in a rush to be the ears and mouth of my Mom.   I had the trunk open rummaging in my Mom's walker to get her ID when someone pulled up and asked me if I was leaving.  It was dark, cold and pouring rain.  I turned and explained that I had just arrived.   The man said "Oh you are so lucky."  To which I replied "not really."

As I walked to the ER I thought about my reaction -- thinking that I wasn't lucky to be at a hospital but in his view I was quite lucky to have the prime parking spot.  It reminded me of my conversation with my neighbor, who yearns to be in my position.  In that same conversation, she had been talking about a week she had spent at the beach.  I was thinking how lucky she was, not to be tied down by her Mom.  It was a luck face-off!!   Freedom to go on a vacation vs. Freedom from yearning and worry and guilt.   The proverbial grass is always greener.

I am not a "glass half full" kind of person, although I wish I was.  But tonight I thought about how I'm lucky in most things.  I just need to do a better job of remembering it. 

** she's being admitted but I suspect she'll be home tomorrow. 

Staying on Track

I do the holidays on two completely separate tracks -- Track One is the fun track: the music, the gifts, the cards, the food, the family.  Track Two is the anxious/depression track.  Starts early November.  The not sleeping, the nightmares, the dreading certain family issues, the whole boring "I had a dysfunctional family and can't get over it" track.  After over 5 decades, you'd think I'd find the switch off the second track and it would be smooth riding. 

The good thing is that as I get older, I spend way more time on Track One.  I'm guessing that many of you also have at least two tracks for the holidays.  If so, I'd love to hear how you stay on Track One.   I have a few tips (since I'm not religious, I don't have any tips in that area):

• I am not Martha Stewart.  I don't have coordinating colors in every room.  One tree with below average decorations!  I don't make cute ornaments or homemade candles.
• We are not, and never will be, the Waltons.
• Get the gift buying done fairly early, but not so early as to lose the holiday spirit.  It isn't fun if it's a chore on the to do list.
• Wrap the gifts early -- that is a chore!
• Do my Christmas cards with love.  I am not Debbie Olson and never will be.
• What doesn't get done, doesn't get done.
• Try and sleep at least 6 hours enough every night, but if I don't, I don't. 
• Keep in touch with friends.
• Keep crafty, it is a wonderful way to lose myself.
• Get outside of me me me.  Give.  Thank the people in my life.

So -- thank YOU.  All my fun blogging friends and readers.  To those of you who never comment, I know by the statistics that you are out there and I am glad you are.  I feel surrounded by a virtual hug every day. 

Have a wonderful holiday season.  If you celebrate Thanksgiving, enjoy.  If you don't, do something fun anyway.  (Pie is good.) 

Cutie Christmas and The Gambler

Slowly building up the Christmas card stash. Will I have enough? Yes. Because I will send what I make and be done. No stressing out over cards this year. 

Card Construction Details:

1.  Oh, it's 2:20 am!  Must be time to stamp.

2.  Trimmed paper from the Basic Grey 6x6 Eskimo Kisses paper pack.

3.  Yawn.

4.  Trimmed and punched SU Certainly Celery strip.  Adhered to patterned paper and adhered that to A2 white card.

5.  Stamped circle from Waltzingmouse Seasons of Love in Adirondack Cranberry ink.  (Ink pad so soaked with ink that I used bunches of paper towels to blot so I could get a clean image.  Anyone looking in my trash can would think I had quite the injury!)

6. Stamped sentiment from PTI Mega Mixed Messages in Celery ink. Cut circle with nestability.

7.  Added button and ribbon from stash.

Mood When Done = Happy

If you'd like to read about The Gambler, please continue. Otherwise, enjoy!

Project 100 16/100: Halloween

Rarely make and send Halloween cards, but love the sets!  Here's a card using Waltzingmouse's Halloween Party set.  If you are new to the blog, Project 100 is a plan I have to make and send 100 cards to my son, who is a freshman in college.  Forces me to break away from my traditional flowers (not that there is anything wrong with sending a flower filled card to a guy...)

Card Construction Details:

1. A2 (4.25 x 5.5) PTI Kraft card.

2.  Stamped witch with Memento Tuxedo ink onto white paper.

3.  Colored image with Versamark pen (can you see spot on the broom handle that I missed??).

4.  Embossed witch with Ultra Thick Embossing Powder once. 

5.  Sponged various dye inks, starting at the top with pale yellow and ending at the bottom with dark orange.

6.  Stamped sentiment, leaving room for ribbon.

7.  Cut strip of black and black striped paper (retired SU) to fit under image.  Added ribbon, linen twine and black embroidery floss.

8.  Trimmed and matted with the black striped paper.

8.  Stamped and sponged orange cardstock to darken a bit and add more texture.  Punched and adhered.

9.  Adhered to Kraft card.

Mood when done = scared of the new mess I just made!

Click below if you are interested in some chatter!  Otherwise, enjoy your day.

Quick Mom Story

I keep getting requests for "Mom" stories.  All right already!  It doesn't require any imagination to come up with these.  This morning's transcript, straight from the 1930s Depression Era:

Me:  Mom, I left a cinnamon bread and butter sandwich in a plastic bag on your dresser yesterday and you never ate it, just in case you want it today.

Mom:  I'll eat it later when I have my teeth in [yes, this is life].  But later, could you put it in the microwave for 10 seconds?  I like it warm.

Me:  Yes

Mom:  Mike will be home today. Maybe he could warm it up when I want to eat it.

Me:  ???  Whatever.  Whoever walks by when you want it. No biggie.

5 minutes later:

Mom:  Don't bother heating up my sandwich later.  Just put the sandwich on my night table.  The light bulb from the lamp will warm it up during the day.

****

AND WE ARE OFF TODAY FOR ANOTHER ROLICKING SEASON OF THE NEW YORK GIANTS!  Mike, my Mom and I are betting this year.  We each filled out a sheet with our winners and ponied up a buck.  If I win, I have $2 more for stamping stuff!  

ps.  she seems ok this week, but I'm sure her brain and heart are full.

Sister

My phone rang at work today. I could see it was my home number.  It was the police.  Calling from my house. 

Never a good thing.  I thought my Mom was dead.

They were there to tell my Mom that my brother was dead.  So my Mom did what she always does.  She had the police call me.  I sobbed. Over a brother I had not seen or spoken to in well over a decade.  Who never sent a Mother's Day card.  Who didn't call on my Mom's birthday, or send a Christmas gift.  Ever.  Who never knew she got sick.  Who just never. 

We were, as the saying goes "estranged."  Drugs, as I know some of you know all too well, will do that.  It wasn't easy forcing the issue so many years ago, but I did and I'm glad I did.

So I came home and there she was, so tiny and in shock.  Wondering if she could have done more.  Finally knowing where he was.  After reassuring her that she did more than she ever should or could, I called the out of state police and found out that he had cancer.  But they suspect it was illegal drugs that killed him.  As the officer said to me, so gently with his soft southern accent, "Ma'm, there were an awful lot of track marks on his arm."  The medical examiner will determine the cause.  I told my Mom it was cancer.  She doesn't need to know. 

And then the police explained how he found us.  It took a couple of days.  My brother told everyone he had only one family member.  A sister.  He claimed I worked for the FBI (I don't and never have).  So, having exhausted all other efforts, they called the FBI.  I have an FBI security clearance and one thing led to another and there was the police at my door, telling my Mom that her son was dead.  On his birthday.  

Why my brother would mention me, and not the rest of his family is a mystery.  I used to think it odd that I was the "success" and he the "failure."  Same house. Same parents.  I realized a while ago that I was wrong.  Neither of us were the success or the failure.  We just dealt with life in opposite ways.  I ran from the addictions in my family and he turned to them.  I suspect that he wanted to be me.  Or maybe I was the one that he didn't care about.  I'll never know.

I am sorry his life was the way it was.  But, I am glad that his death hurts. I thought that the piece of my heart that was sister died many years ago.  Apparently, I was wrong about that too.   

Shamrocks: Not Just For St. Patrick's Day

I love the shamrocks in Waltzingmouse's Celtic Heritage.  However, how many St. Patrick's Day cards do I send?  Hm. Usually, none!  Maybe a few next year. 

So, I tried to think of a way to use the "good luckedness" of the shamrock for another purpose.  I found the Slainte sentiment in Waltzingmouse Irish Blessings and thought that, together, they'd make a perfect Get Well or even Thinking of You card. 

Card Construction Details

1.  You're too busy to hear about earlier versions. 

2.  Stamp shamrock with SU Garden Green dye ink.  I have such good luck with clear stamps and SU inks.  Ha, little pun there!

3.  Cut 1.5" square around shamrock.

4.  Put temporary tape under shamrock and stamped sentiment in Versamark on SU Garden Green cardstock.  Embossed sentiment with Ranger Seafoam White embossing powder

5.  Removed shamrock square; add 1.34" Pretty in Pink mat.

6.  Colored in bit of leaves with Pretty in Pink marker.

7.  Added Pretty in Pink brad.

8.  Tried to use Fiskars edge punch.  Removed brad.  Used punch again.

9.  Reattached brad.

10. Trimmed Garden Green cardstock. 

11.  Popped up shamrock square with thick dimensionals.  Ditto for the green rectangle onto Papertrey Ink Stampers Select White Cardstock.

Mood when done = Pleased

****

If you'd like to read a bit about my life, please continue.  Otherwise, Slainte!

Yesterday, with a gleam in her partially cataract covered eyes, my Mom told me that the Giants will be playing a preseason game Monday night -- on TV. 

Here we go again!

I've always thought that the Jews got it right -- celebrating New Year's in September.  My years always begin the day after Labor Day (the first day of school) and the beginning of the football season.  The two memories run together.  By the time we get to January 1, I'm in the middle of my year!   

When the Giants won the super bowl in 2008, Mike and I both thought she'd never watch another game again -- that she wouldn't live long enough to see the start of the next season.  Hey, we were listening to her doctor!  But here we are about to start the second season after that win. 

We made her "end of life" decisions based on the advice that the end was near.  Keep her home. We still think we made the right decision.  Who knows what this season will bring?

Blog Candy Winner, Thanks, and When It is Just the Three of Us

First, Brenda from Stamp It Up won my box of goodies. I have emailed Brenda and if she sends her address to me, I'll get that box out to her. Congrats!  Thanks to everyone for playing along -- I enjoyed reading why you are thankful.

Second, I have not been the kindest blogger.  Several of you have sent me tags, awards, etc.  I've also received some lovely cards and emails.  I have not had the time to respond or, in some cases, to keep track of these, and I apologize.  They mean a lot to me, and then poof!  Life intercedes.  I hope you understand. 

Speaking of life>>>>>>>>>>

Thanksgiving.  I woke at 3:00 am to the sound of my Mom falling and her calling for help.  I jumped out of bed, ran downstairs and found her sound asleep.  A dream.

Later that morning (much later) she woke to tell me that she had been very sick to her stomach all night and was sick again.  She had thought of just taking all her pills and ending it all. I never know what to stay at these times, so I just encouraged her to drink to avoid dehydration. Apparently, what I thought was a dream may have been hearing her getting back into bed (her walker sounds like thunder to me...).

She took a few sips of a drink and fell back asleep.  I closed her door so that Andy wouldn't hear her moaning.  Too sick to enjoy life but not sick enough to be in the hospital.  My heart just cried for her.  She slept until 4:30 on Thanksgiving.  By Friday she was better, but still only sipping broth. 

Earlier in the week, I got into one of my pity moods.  The week's refrain?  What are you doing for Thanksgiving?  Going away?  Cooking at home?  I was asking too.  Part of it is pleasantries, but there were lots of folks for whom I genuinely wondered how they would be spending the day.  Again and again, I said we would be home.  Yes, just the 4 of us.  Yes, I would be cooking.

By Tuesday, I was simmering.  Wrapped up in a mini self absorbed pityfest, I found myself muttering, anyone who really knows me knows that we can't leave.  We can't get up and go away, to a restaurant, or to a friend's house.  Even having folks over on a major holiday is a risk -- we could be in the middle of another crisis and ruin someone's day. It doesn't work that way when you are the caretaker.  You don't leave a sick, frail women home alone.  Ever. But especially on a holiday.  And she can't go with us.  Too sick to travel and she has no teeth.  Makes eating, talking, and even socializing impossible.  She doesn't want people to see her this way. 

Of course, I knew that most folks were wrapped up in their own family dramas, but still I bristled.  This is when I am at my worst.  I hate this piece of me.  The "it's all about me" part. Hostages and murder in India?  Check.  But I'm stuck at home.  Make sense?  No.  Proud of it?  No.  Reality?  Yes.

By Wednesday, I was over the pity and on to baking.  I was determined to put on a nice Thanksgiving.  Andy beat me 3 times in Scrabble!  (I hate losing!).

By Thursday, things were on track.  Of course, the fact that my Mom was sleeping the entire day made it easier for me, but since she was sick, it was sad and scary too. I remain terrified that she will end up in a nursing home.  Yes, I know there are some nice places, but I'll explain more about why I feel this way another day.

Quiet Thanksgiving, and nice to be with my "two best guys."  At one point, I said to Mike that I'd like to spend a holiday away someday. Maybe New York City.  Or a nice resort.  Or wherever Andy goes to college.  And Mike said, "Yes, when it is just the three of us."  That's our code for "when your Mom dies."  It's hard to acknowledge that feeling and still feel human, but we do!  It's our reality and we don't apologize, even though it sounds cold.  Again and again, we remind ourselves that life is complicated and we handle it as best as we can and then move on to the next piece, and hope that we emerge with our humanity intact. 

Next up?  Family birthdays and Christmas!  Love this time of year, no matter what!