PAPERLICIOUS

Dear Paperlicious: Money and Mr. DP

DP:  I haven't bought anything in 3 days!!

Mr. DP:  Thank You.

DP:  What do you mean "thank you?"  You told me that my spending wasn't a problem.
You said that after you read the blog thing on money. 
You came up to me, gave me a big hug and said I didn't need to cut back on spending. 
So, what's with the thank you!!!?

Mr. DP:  I'm, oh, listen, I'm just trying to, oh forget it.

DP:  It's all going on the blog...

Mr. DP:  I'm not saying another word for 30 years.

Dear Paperlicious: Communication, Mr. DP

DP:  Do you like this card?
Mr DP:  Yes, it's nice.

DP:  What do you mean, "nice?"
Mr DP:  It's gorgeous.

DP:  No, if you thought it was gorgeous,  You would have said gorgeous the first time.  You said "nice."  What's "nice?"
Mr DP:  You know, pretty.  Lovely.  It is nice, pretty, nice colors and the way you colored that is nice.

DP:  So, you are back to saying nice.
Mr DP: Ok, it is beautiful, stunning. Really, I don't have the words, I just like it.

DP: Like, not love?
Mr DP: Sigh

DP:  This is all going on the blog.
Mr. DP:  I LOVE the card.  I love all your cards. They are amazing, stunning, A++.  All other stampers' cards are horrible compared to yours.

DP:  Really?  Are you just saying that to be nice, or do you really, really mean it?
Mr. DP:  I really, really mean it.

DP:  I love you.
Mr. DP:  I love you too.

Dear Paperlicious: Breaking Legal News!!!

Dateline California.....In a stunning move predicted by only yours truly, the California Supreme Court has ruled that it is unconstitutional to ban mixed marriages.  As  the Chief Justice put it:

"This long national nightmare is over.  For months, we've listened to the arguments, the wrangling, the pros and the cons.  We've read the blogs, followed the trends, looked at samples.  We can't take it anymore!!!







We hereby decree that anyone who uses Wood Mounted Rubber Stamps may marry anyone who uses Clear Photopolymer Stamps." 

The jury is still out on unmounted rubber and rubber on cling foam....

Dear Paperlicious: Publish or Perish

Dear Paperlicious:

I've hear that if you don't get your cards published in magazines your blog will sink, your Design Team opportunities will vanish and even your Mother will disown you.  Any tips for getting published?

Signed,
WTBLY

Dear Want to Be Like You:

Yes, it is true. If you aren't published you are NOBODY in the stamping world that I like to refer to as HSFGUs  (high school for grown ups).  Luckily, out of the goodness of my heart, I am willing to share with you my super successful tips for getting published!!!  Those of you with actual talent get a pass on today's lesson, as this column is for those of you just like me -- the C students of HSFGUs.

Frankly, it really is ONE TIP, which is HOW TO FAKE BEING SUCCESSFUL.  Success begets success.  I could end the column here, but what's the point of being concise when you KNOW you love my tips?

The bottom line is that most folks are published because they are on Design Teams and most folks are on Design Teams because they are published. This vicious cycle is totally unfair as it favors the talented.  There is, however, a way to break it without actually having talent!! 

So, here are the THE TOP 5 WAYS TO BE PUBLISHED THAT "THEY" WON'T TELL YOU!!!!

5.  Talk about being published, even if you haven't been.  List all your publications on your blog.  When is the last time someone checked out the October 2004 issue of Rubber Stamp Madness to see if you are really in it??

4.  Start a second blog but don't tell anyone it is actually your blog.  Claim to want to be "just like [insert your real name] when you grow up," linking to your other blog. Now don't be obvious.  Compliment other folks first.  Wait a couple of weeks and then hold a contest and declare your other self the winner.   

3.  Claim to be on Design Teams for obscure or made up companies.  Especially "Guest Designer."  Since hardly anyone reads my your blog, the company won't know you are lying, and the rest is history....

2.   Use a product.  Write about it on your blog.  Rave about it.  Shortly thereafter, get your friends and relatives to buy tons of the stuff and write to the company about how they saw the product on your blog.  This will make the company think you are influential and put you on its Design Team.  DT=Publications!!!

And THE TOP WAY TO GUARANTEE GETTING PUBLISHED

#1:  Absolutely, positively, put the "Removed For Publication" thing on your work.  Think about this one.  How will anyone know since you can't reveal the info until after the publication!!  If I say so myself, this tip is absolutely the most brilliant of my career!!!

At the end of this column I've graciously included a sample of this "Removed For Publication" thing that you should feel free to cut and paste into your own blog or on line gallery. 

Good luck!!!  See you at the prom.

Sincerely,

Dear Paperlicious

Dear Paperlicious: SCS Design Team Coordinator Position

Dear Paperlicious:

When I read that Julie Ebersole had resigned as the DT Coordinator over at SCS, I immediately thought of you as an excellent replacement.  Have you applied for the position?

Signed,
Julie

Dear Julie,

While I'm not at liberty to reveal the status of negotiations, I am authorized to say that I am "under consideration" -- In fact, I've prepared TOP TEN REASONS why Dear Paperlicious should be the NEW SPLITCOASTSTAMPERS DESIGN TEAM COORDINATOR.

1.  I live on the East Coast.  SCS is based on the West Coast.  The coasts are split and I will be an effective advocate for us east coasters, who by the way, are basically ignored in the stamping community in general.

2. I work for the Federal Government.  The President is my 5th upline (my boss's boss's boss's boss). Or it that my 4th upline?  Anyway, I am uniquely positioned to eliminate US Postal Rate rules that limit the thickness of standard first class mail.  This is an outrage and as DT Coordinator I'll have even more clout.

3.  I will not be a threat to anyone with talent!  This is the most critical element.  You pick someone whose work is greatly admired and there will be grumbling.  Accusations of favoritism towards talented people, etc. 

4.  I have the time.  I'm not burdened with Design Team Assignments, Sneak Peek postings, Contests, removing my pictures for publication postings, etc. 

5.  As a lawyer, I am used to working for cheap.

6.  I can bridge the gap between the rubber vs. clear camps.  I have stamps from Amuse Arts, Impression Obsession, Stampendous, Stampin Up, Memory Box, Penny Black, Cornish Heritage Farms, Hero Arts, Papertreyink, Gina K, Verve Visuals, Elzybells, Art Warehouse, The Angel Company, Close to My Heart, just to name a few.  I buy it all! 

I also have a xyron, scor-it, cuttlebug, wizard, nestabilities, punches, bind it all, twinkling H20s, rulers, empty boxes, circle and oval cutters, crop-a-dile, brads, pearls, stickers, alterable objects, dimensionals, brass stencils, light table, chalks, crayons, pencils, paints, color wheels, rub-ons, mats, scissors, genesis paper trimmer, ATG gun, enough ribbon to span both coasts, enough ink to run a printing press, munchabilities, mini and major glue dots, etc.

In short, advertisers will love me.

7.  I have computer skills.  I have 2 blogs!!

8.  I am a Stampin Up demo, but make no money at it.  This will appeal to Stampin Up demos, who need a little lovin at SCS, but I am no threat to them due to no selling and no stamping skills.

9.  I know that sets of writing paper are called stationery, not stationary (whew, just had to fit that one in!!!).

10.  When Dear Paperlicious purchased SCS on April 1, it was with the understanding that Julie would be the Design Team Coordinator.  Now that she resigned to fool around at Amuse Arts, the value of my purchase has plummeted, resulting in litigation between Dear Paperlicious and SCS.  Selecting myself as Design Team Coordinator is the best method to end the legal wrangling.

I very much appreciate your support and look forward to picking my blog readers as members of the Dirty Dozen!

Sincerely,
Dear Paperlicious   

Dear Paperlicious: Mike

Dear Paperlicious:

Tell us about Mike!  What is your husband really like? 

Signed,
I'm running out of questions for you.

Dear Bored: 

Here is an actual conversation with MIKE.  It will tell you all you need to know about him.

Mike:  I would like to discuss something with you later tonight.
Me:  What?
Mike:  I'd rather wait.
Me:  Why?
Mike:  Can you not wait 4 hours?  It's important and I want to be able to concentrate.
Me:  (silent sulking)  (I hate when he does this...)

4 hours later:

Mike:  Um, I'd like to talk about saving more money.
Me:  Yes!  Saving money is good.  I totally agree.  (no no no no)
Mike:  It's just that if we want to retire, we are going to need to save more money.
Me:  Can't argue with that. How much do you want to save?
Mike:  As much as we can.
Me:  Me too!  (the wedding seemed like a good idea....)
Mike:  Good.  Glad we agree

2 hours later

Me:  I might stay up late tonight.  Papertrey is having its release party.
Mike:  Ok
Me:  I'm not planning on buying anything or anything like that. I just like to see what's up.
Mike:  Buy something.
Me:  Nope.  No way. Absolutely no.  I want to retire ASAP and that's our priority, right?
Mike:  Buy something.
Me:  Nope

Next day

Mike:  Did you buy anything?
Me:  No, I want to try and stick to our plan.
Mike:  Buy something. You deserve it.
Me:  No

2 hours later

Mike:  So, what did you buy?
Me:  Oh, just a few things....

THIS is why I love Mikey!!

Signed,
Dear Paperlicious

Dear Paperlicious: Stamping and Taxes

Dear Paperlicious:

Help!  My taxes are due on April 15th and I don't know how to treat the money I spend on stamping.  I *heart* deductions! I  need you!!

Signed,

Alice Capone

Dear AC:

Once again, you have come to the absolute wrong right place!!  Here are Dear Paperlicious' Top Ten Tax Tips for Stampers:

1.  Get tax advice on the internet from strangers.  It is an iron clad defense, at least in the US.

2.  ALL stamping $$ are tax deductible!  It is just a question of why they are deductible.  In most cases they are legitimate medical expenditures and if your medical expenses exceed 4.5678% of your adjusted gross income minus shipping and handling, then you can deduct them to the maximum extent permitted by law. 

Here's an example.  Let's say you are the typical stamper and have an adjusted gross income of $25,000 but have spent $26,000 on stamp stuff in 2007.  The government owes you $1000!!  Just file form LIE2007 and you can expect a letter from the IRS lickety split!

3.  Home Demonstrator Business Deductions:  Can you say "dream come true" 3 times???  If you are a home demo for Stampin Up, The Angel Company, or Close to My Heart, you are on easy street!  Not only does #2 apply to you, but you may also deduct all living expenses, including the cost and time it takes to CASE cards!!  Is this a great country or what??

4.  All expenses related to Trying to Get on a Design Team are deductible!!!

5.  The value of your time spent reading Dear Paperlicious is also deductible because you receive rocking sound advice.  (Reading other blogs is really a waste of time and money as your time is NOT deductible). 

6.  The time spent lobbying Congress to change US Postal Rates and complicated rules regarding "thickness" of cards being mailed is tax deductible. 

7.  Litigation is pending on the issue of whether the cost of buying Papertreyink cardstock, ink and ribbon is deductible if you already have similar Stampin Up colors of the same products, so I'll let you know the outcome as soon as the judge rules.

8.  $$$ spent trying to win blog candy IS NOT DEDUCTIBLE.  Dear Paperlicious has the inside scoop on the BIGGEST scandal to rock the papercrafting industry.  There is no such thing as a "random number generator." All "winners" of blog candy are the same fictitious person and there is no actual blog candy. Therefore, the value of your time spent trying to win nothing is not deductible.

9.  You may take double the cost of ribbon and paper as a tax deduction to account for the amount of waste that occurs every stinkin time you cut that stuff! 

10.  For 2007 ONLY Nestabilities are deductible, but only if you already have near identical Marvy Scallop Punches.  The cost of buying duplicate products is deductible as part of the 2007 Small Business Owners Financial Incentive Act.  Sorry if you missed out. . .

So, there you have it!  Now that you will be getting a huge tax refund, you'll have $$ to donate to the friendliest, nicest blogger you know...

Sincerely,
Dear Paperlicious

ps. details on the card later...

Dear Paperlicious: If It Sticks, We Will Buy It

Dear Paperlicious:

Give me the inside scoop on adhesives, please!  I need your wisdom on this very touchy topic!

Signed,
Falling Apart

Dear FA:

I, too, used to be falling apart until I discovered THE WORLD OF ADHESIVES.  Pull up a xyron coated seat and sit a spell...

Stampers can be divided into 3 categories.

#1:  The scotch tape/glue stick beginner with money in her pocket stamper.
#2:  The pop dot, tombow running adhesive who is beginning to see the light stamper.
#3:  The second amendment loving ATG gun, mono multi glue, 2 sizes of dimensionals, ribbon glue, metal glue, xyron machine, red liner sticky tape, scotch double sided tape, Duck tape, duct tape, glue dots, hot glue gun carrying stamper.

Sorry, FA, but you sound like the first type of stamper, and we pity you.  We mock you when you aren't around.  Your check book may be happy but when your cards arrive at Aunt Mary's, the layers are falling off and folks are laughing at you!!!  It is our duty to drive you to the nearest craft store and MAKE you buy at least 5 of the items that stamper #3 has.   Hint:  if you have any real talent, no one will tell you about your adhesive issues.  No point making it even harder to join mulitple design teams!!

The second type of stamper is kind of cute, KWIM?  She thinks she's in with the "in crowd" in stamperville, but sadly, she's only just begun to shell out $$$ for sticky stuff.  Leave her alone.  She's moving in the right direction anyway and a day or two over at Splitcoast** and she'll be Stamper #3 anyway. 

Hi all my stamper #3 readers!!!  You don't need any advice.  You are already one big ball of sticky stuff.  Isn't it wonderful??

Signed,
Dear Paperlicious

** fee for advertisement for SCS:  $1,000. 

Dear Paperlicious: SCS Buyout Nears!

Dateline April 1, 2008

For Immediate Release

Today, the owners of the wildly popular and successful Splitcoaststampers site announced the pending sale of their site to Dear Paperlicious  for an undisclosed amount. 

"We have been huge fans of Dear Paperlicious and expect that she will continue the fine service, awesome bulletin boards, tutorials, and galleries that SCS is known for.  We wish Dear Paperlicious nothing but the best.",  stated Daven and Tracy Nolta, former SCS owners, and cruising off the coast of Italy on their private yacht.   The Noltas conceded that despite their best efforts to make SCS a warm and popular site, their efforts to attract stampers were stymied by the success of Dear Paperlicious.

In a sweeping initial announcement, Dear Paperlicious declared: 

"There will be changes. Big changes.  Stay tuned for more details but you can rest assured that the first big change will be a link on every SCS page to Paperlicious.  All other blog links will be banned.  By combining forces, we believe that we can take over the entire stamping community."

More details to follow.

Dear Paperlicious: Stamping During a Recession

Dear Paperlicious:

Should we buy stamps during a recession?  Gas is over $3 a gallon, food is sky high, and I'm wondering how to justify my stamping habit.  Your wisdom is needed!

Signed,
Feeling a bit guilty, but $till a huge fan of Dear Paperliciou$

Dear
FABGBSAHFODP:

It is rough out there -- but we have to stick together.  Keep buying and keep your fave stamp company in business or you'll wake up one day and be left with carving stamps out of potatoes, KWIM?? 

To help you find a little extra pocket change for those essential crafty purchases, Dear Paperlicious has a few tips for Stamping During a Recession:

1.  Get on a Design Team. Of course, in order to do this, you will have to invest a considerable amount of $$ in that company's products, but that is ok.  There is a difference between spending money foolishly and investing.  Your potential income as a Design Team member is so high that it is worth it.  Savings:  $2000 a year.

2.  Cut down on unnecessary uses of your car -- shop the internet or, better yet, make your kids walk to the grocery store and lug home those gallons of milk wine.  Savings on gas and medical expenses for your now fit kids:  $2500 

3.  Quit cleaning your house -- savings on cleaning supplies:  $30 a year (ok, if your are one of those super clean freaks, $35 a year).

4.  Don't even THINK about donating to a politician this year!!! Enough said about that!  Savings:  $4.35

5.  Cut your own and your family's hair and use your hair for flocking.  (If you can snip Grandma's gray hair, that will widen your color choices too).  Savings $500 a year.

6.  Make your own copic markers.  Get some cotton, roll it into a refillable pen, poor in some gin mixed with cheap food dye.  Voila -- alcohol markers.  (apologies to the Copic Marker Blog Team...) Savings:  $400

7.  Cross-use household and stamping items.  Use your make-up for stamping and your stamping supplies for make-up.  A little Chocolate Chip marker eyeliner is very 2008.  And, here's a super HOT TIP:  Use your lipstick to color in an image, and then emboss with clear powder.  Can you say Splitcoast Dirty Dozen for that one??   And pasta dough through a cuttlebug embossing folder makes awesome looking polka dot lasagna for the PTA social.  Savings:  $5000 a year.

8.  Cancel cable TV and tell your kids to read a library book.  Better yet, introduce them to the sun and send them outdoors.  Savings:  $1000 a year.

9.  Speaking of kids, college is for sissies and whiners.  Have your high school graduate get a real job and pay you for living. Savings:  $50,000 a year.

10.  Make your own greeting cards.  Dear Paperlicious hears that it is way cheaper than buying Hallmark....

Feel better? 

I thought so.

Signed,
Dear Paperlicious