PAPERLICIOUS

Dear Paperlicious: Pinning and Other Possible Felonies

Dear Paperlicious:

I am terrified.  Please help.  I received a law suit summons subpoena thing telling me that I can no longer "pin."  When did "pin" become a verb and how much will you charge to represent me?

Signed,
Potential Client

Dear PC:

Welcome to the long list of people thrilled to call DP their lawyer.  I am here to help and my rates are very reasonable.  I charge by the word.  Did you see the cherry blossoms today?  Driving through their floaty pinkness yesterday on the way to my "day job" (a place where stamping goes to die) I thought of that time years ago when Japan sent us cool stuff like pretty trees rather than cool ugly stuff like Prius cars.  ($100 please for those words.) 

Now let's get to the whole "pin" brew ha ha.  To pin is to take pictures from the screen on your computer and put them in a "file" called a "board" also on a screen on your computer.  If you don't add the name of the place where you got it maybe someone can or should sue you.  Not sure as I got bored reading about it and ate some Ho Hos.

But do not be afraid of pinning!!  Embrace the fad!  Pinning is your opportunity to sue someone else!!!  Maybe get a free roll of baker's twine wrapped around actual baked goods rather than cardstock.  It's a lawyer's dream come true.  Billions of suits and countersuits pinging all over the world. 

Feel better? 

That will be $500.

Sincerely,
DP

 

Dear Paperlicious: Top Five Products to Be Revealed at CHA

SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT

THE BEST OF WINTER CHA 2012

It's CHA weekend!  Soon the internet will be filled with pictures of the latest new products bloggers taking pictures of each other!!

Can't wait to see what is new?  Tired of trips to Southern California in the winter??  Devasted by the prospect of leaving the kids and hubby behind for an entire adult weekend surrounded by papercrafters? 

Me too!

So Dear Paperlicious went pyschic this week and has the inside scoop on releases for the first half of 2012 (actual product availability will be fall 2012).  Here are my favorite 5 new products for 2012 --

5.  LITTLE GUY SEWING MACHINE --  the perfect sewing machine for stampers!!   No bobbins or needles to thread.   This compact machine, weighing only 85 pounds, has a little man living inside who will thread the needle for you and hold the paper as it goes through the sewing process.  Take out the little guy once a week and give him a good scrub and you are good to go for another week.  Suggested Retail Price:  $856 (will be discounted to $59.99 by April).

4.  DISAPPEARING INK -- The beauty of this ink is that is disappears after 2 days.  Gives you enough time to stamp, photograph your card for your blog, and then reuse your cardstock!!  No more wasting time and postage mailing your cards!  Comes in black, red, and 14 shades of orange tangerine.

3. PATTERNED PAPER THAT TURNS INTO STUFFING -- Buy it now and in November it is ready for the big bird.  All the joys of collecting without worrying about it all catching fire after 7 years of storage.  YUM.

2.  **ALMOST DIES** -- Dies are all the rage.  They cut shapes perfectly!!  BORING and so 2011.  The new ALMOST dies do not cut cleanly!  Use with 4 metal shims, an embossing pad and a piece of Twizzlers in any die machine except a Big Shot, Cuttlebug, Vagabond or Grand Calibur, and your Almost Die will cut everything except one part of the die.  Perfect for those of you (like me) who find perfect boring. 

And the #1 NEW PRODUCT FOR 2012

1.  STAMPS MADE OUT OF MONEY!!

Goodbye wood mounted, cling, photopolymer and silicone stamps!  Leave that debate to the chumps.

Hello stamps MADE OUT OF REAL MONEY.  Yes, ten dollar bills have been adhered together to form 2 inch stacks and then hand cut with super trendy Tim Holtz branded exacto knives by design team members to form gorgeous images.   Sigh. Wait to you see the square shapes!!  Oh those talented design teamers!! 

So that's it. My top 5 faves.  See you in the summer for my next CHA reveal!

 

Dear Paperlicious: Revisiting 2011's New Year's Resolutions

Dear Paperlicious,

Last year you published your 2011 New Year Resolutions HERE.  Did you keep any of them?

Sincerely, Stalker Fan

Dear Striking Out Words on Posts is so 2011 Fan:

Good grief, you remember that stuff?  Ok, here's the recap of 2011's resolutions --

1.  My word for the year -- GREED.  Bye bye budget.
Sadly, I failed.  Pretty much kept to my craft budget.  "Pretty much" = "spent more than I budgeted but 1/2 of what I spent the year before."

2.  Copy and Steal -- some of the biggest names do it, see no reason to acknowledge sources of my work.
Got this down to a science in 2011.

 3.  Get published less -- SICK to death of fielding requests from publications for my work. Stop it already!
Total success!  Not giving away my copyrights to "the man."

 4.  Mo' Messy in 2011 -- that Scrapbox is sooo 2010.  May use it as a planter.
2011 was the year that the government finally got off my back.  In August, had a backyard wedding and married my Scrapbox.  Finally understand what "following your bliss" means.

5.  Use time better -- Less Reading, More Facebook, More Housewives of Atlanta.
Check, Check, Check

6.  Incorporate die cuts and felt into my legal work.
Paper cuts, yes; die cuts and felt, no.  However, a few pieces of glitter may have stuck to my memos.

7. Save money on postage stamps -- send no cards.
Nope, failed at this one too.

8.  Quit being controlled by Mike.
He's so cute. 

9.  Spend more time with my Mom.  Every day with her is like a mini mental health day.
Thought her move to the nursing home would mean less stress.  HA!!

10. Reduce stress. Cannot be a trendsetter any more.  You guys are on your own!
Think I've mastered this one!

Sincerely,
Dear Paperlicious

 

 

Dear Paperlicious: Teasing Blog Posts/Announcements

Dear Paperlicious:

Why do so many bloggers post "teases" of big announcements and then the announcement is "I like the color green" or "I found the top to my black ink pad" or "My craft room is a mess"? 

What's up with this?

Signed,

ABTA
(annoyed by teasing announcements)

Dear ABTA:

I don't know.  Sorry I cannot help.  But, since I have your attention --

<-------------  You can see this on Sunday....hmm...what could this be?  Guess correctly and WIN WIN WIN****

 

 

 

 

****this is a lie  (small print brought to you by a lawyer)

DP

Dear Paperlicious: Downgrade!!

Readers, I know you've clicked over to Paperlicious to see the most amazing creations and awesome video tutorials and cherries. 

It is with a troubled heart and a broken colored pencil that I share with you the sad news that PAPERLICIOUS IS NO LONGER THE #1 STAMPING BLOG IN AMERICA. 

I've been downgraded to #2.

** Sobs **

This will not go unchallenged. 

In order to knock the overrated Thinking Inking off her bogus #1 status, I intend to take the following 10 steps, which I have been assured by my "team" will restore me to #1 --

1.  Spend more $$ on stamping. Sorry Mr. DP, but sometimes you have to spend money to save money. 

2.  Learn to tie a bow.

3.  Attack Debbie -- her obvious lack of coloring skills, inability to mat straight, horrible choice of patterned papers, and well known reputation for attacking ME must be brought to your immediate and urgent attention.

4.  Enter every challenge and every contest I can find.

5.  Blame Susan.

6.  Eat chocolate. 

7.  Post about politics.  That always brings harmony and happiness to the internet.

8.  Post about clear vs. rubber.  That always brings harmony and happiness to the internet.

9.  Whine.

and

10.  Eat more chocolate. 

** think positive friends **  No matter what "they" say, Paperlicious will always fight!!

 

Dear Paperlicious: Debt Ceiling Negotiations Get Tense

A VERY IMPORTANT DEAR PAPERLICIOUS

URGENT

TIME SENSITIVE

EYES ONLY

Dear Paperlicious,

I know you work in Washington DC and therefore are brilliant.  Any inside scoop on the debt ceiling negotiations?

Sincerely,
What Kind of Morons Work in that City?

Dear WKOMWITC:

Yes, I work in Washington DC and therefore am "in the know" -- if "in the know" means I am more concerned about keeping my job than doing my job.  So, here's the "inside scoop."

Mr DP (the husband) INSISTS that he will not agree to a rise in our debt ceiling to pay off the stamps I bought in 1988 unless I agree to drastically curtail all stamping purchases.  

I counteroffered with a plan to agree to a 50% cut in purchases starting in 2020 in exchange for his agreement to let me borrow money to buy more stamps now and reminded him that he went on a buying spree in 1997, scooping up running shoes and guitar strings like there would never be a 1998.

Mr. DP held firm, but agreed that he would agree to a rise in our debt ceiling if I identified papercrafting savings equal to the rise.  I reminded him that we would not need a rise in the debt ceiling if I cut spending as I could not care less about debt. 

I counteroffered that we increase revenues.  He walked out, but came back and suggested that we might have a deal if I agreed to sell cards, sell access to the blog, sell off my stamping stuff, etc.  He even suggested that I SELL THE SCRAPBOX.  Good grief, next he'll suggest that I steal my Mom's social security check [assuming she ever gets one again].

I counteroffered that we increase revenues by having him quit the government and go to a law firm.

Mr. DP counter counter offered by calling me a dodo brain.

That's when I walked out. 

Will we agree to borrow more $$ to pay off our debts?
Will Mike get a higher paying job?
Will I be forced to sell my Scrapbox?
Will you be paying hundreds of dollars of year to read this blog?
Will there be a bottom dollar to bet that the sun will come out tomorrow?

Stay tuned...

Sincerely,
Dear Paperlicious

 

Dear Paperlicious: Mr DP and the Silhouette

Me:  Should I get a Silhouette?

Mr. DP:  I thought you got one last year.

Me:    No, I thought about it and decided I would never use it.

Mr. DP:  Yes, you should get one.

Me:  Really?

Mr. DP:  Oh please.  Of course.

Me:  Why?

Mr. DP:  You have a Scrapbox; without a Silhouette you are half a stamper.  You need this to complete your arsenal.  I can't have a wife who is half a stamper.

Me:  Well, I was also thinking of taking the $$ for the Silhouette and putting towards going to Cincinnatti for the Papertrey gathering.

Mr. DP:  There's a Papertrey gathering and we haven't discussed it? Can you take the Silhouette to the Papertrey gathering?

Me:  No.

Mr. DP:  Why not?

Me:  Well, it is a competing product.  If you buy the Silhouette you really don't buy the Papertrey dies as much.  It would be a stamping faux pas.

Mr. DP:  Well we can't have that.  Why not buy the Silhouette and don't take it to the Papertrey gathering?

Me:  You mean buy it and also go to the Papertrey gathering?

Mr. DP:  Why not?  And what about that Papercrafts cruise in November that you were talking about?

Me:  Really?

Mr. DP:   Sure.  And I was thinking that we should move your craft room from the small bedroom to the computer room. You need more space for your stuff and for new stuff.  Lots more new stuff.

Me:  Have you been twittering photos of yourself? Drinking too much???

Mr. DP:  What??

Me:  You are mocking me aren't you? 

Mr. DP:  By the way, what is a Silhouette?

 

Dear Paperlicious: Mr. Linky?

Dear Paperlicious:

I'm confused.  I see challenges and contests and hops and leaps and double dog dares.  I think I understand them.  But who is Mr. Linky?  He seems to be everywhere.

Signed,

Rather Be Safe Than Sorry

Dear RBSTS:

Amazingly, there are things I do not know!!!  I'm not sure how Mr. Linky glommed on to almost every blog.  I've tried to figure out where it all started by doing the google, but couldn't find anything, so I put on my "I smell a pulitzer for investigating reporter hat" and emailed a few of my best stamping buds. 

Here's what they had to say.

Janie from Osceola Farms opined:

"As best as I can figure out he's the uncle who shows up on Thanksgiving with a six pack of Budweiser and thinks that equals making a 20 pound turkey with all the fixings.  Yet the kids love him and he gets on the floor for piggy back and you have to admit that Thanksgiving just wouldn't be the same without Uncle Linky."

Hmm.  Wasn't sure that made sense, so I asked Lisa from Baaston. Here's her take on Mr. Linky:

"It's a money making scam.  Every time you see him on a blog, he's sucking money from your wallet."

This didn't make much sense either, so I asked Suzanne from Silver Springs. Suzie said:

"Mr. Linky is the son of Mr. and Mrs. Lawrence Inky of Tuscon Arizona.  He is a quiet man who facilitates the sharing of meaningful and interesting information by likeminded papercrafty ladies and the occasional very rich male papercrafter. I have it on good authority that he lives in the Inky basement and possibly has a pot belly.  I love him.  Um, please don't share that part."

Still befuddled....so I decided to up it up a notch and get serious. I asked Mr. DP. Here's what he revealed:

:Mr. Linky is Betty Crocker's husband. Get it?"

No, actually, I do not.  Wouldn't Betty's husband be Mr. Crocker????

Can anyone untangle this mystery?  Who is Mr. Linky??

Signed,

Dear Paperlicious

 

 

 

Dear Paperlicious: Mr. DP and Etsy

DP:  I have a plan to make money after I retire.

Mr. DP:  What now?

DP:  What's that mean?

Mr. DP:  It means, "I'm sure this is a great idea. Please tell me more."

DP:  Well, I'm going to sell stuff on Etsy.

Mr. DP:  What's Etsy?

DP:  It's this online store and people sell stuff that they make.

Mr. DP:  Have you ever bought anything from there?

DP:  No. I think so.  I can't remember.

Mr. DP:  And what are you going to sell?

DP:  I have a marketing idea.  A niche market for cards and stuff like that. I'm keeping it a secret.

Mr. DP:  A secret from me?

DP:  Yes.  If I tell you then I might tell someone else and eventually the other stampers will learn it and my idea will be stolen. You wouldn't believe the .... what are you doing?

Mr. DP:  Checking my email.

  Silence.

Mr. DP:  What?

DP:  Do you realize that this is the third time in the last 6 months that I've told you about Etsy?  I'm like white noise, aren't I?  You hear the noise but the words don't quite make it into the brain.

Mr. DP:  I hereby declare today a cooking free zone!!  Let's go out for dinner!

Dear Paperlicious: Resolutions?

Dear Paperlicious,

Since you are THE trendsetter in all things papercrafty, I'm dying to know.  Any resolutions for 2011?

Sincerely,

WIGUIWTBU
whenigrowupiwanttobeu

Dear WIGUIWTBU:

Thank yee!!!  Yes, I love making resolutions since I have such a good track record of keeping them.  Here are DP's RESOUTIONS for 2011 --

1.  My word for the year -- GREED.  Bye bye budget.
2.  Copy and Steal -- some of the biggest names do it, see no reason to acknowledge sources of my work. 
3.  Get published less -- SICK to death of fielding requests from publications for my work. Stop it already!
4.  Mo' Messy in 2011 -- that Scrapbox is sooo 2010.  May use it as a planter.
5.  Use time better -- Less Reading, More Facebook, More Housewives of Atlanta.
6.  Incorporate die cuts and felt into my legal work.
7.  Save money on postage stamps -- send no cards.
8.  Quit being controlled by Mike. 
9.  Spend more time with my Mom.  Every day with her is like a mini mental health day.
10. Reduce stress. Cannot be a trendsetter any more.  You guys are on your own!

Sincerely,

Dear Paperlicious

ps.  and have a healthy and happy new year!