PAPERLICIOUS

Dear Paperlicious: Inside Mr. DP's Head

Me:  It's time for a CHAT, ok?

Mr. DP:  I thought you were taking a break from the blog?

Me:  I didn't say I was taking a break, I said I was re-thinking the blog.  There's a difference.  And I didn't say this was a blog chat, just a chat chat.

Mr. DP:  All right.

Me:  Isn't it true that you graduated from grammar school, high school and college?

Mr. DP:  Yes

Me:  And isn't it true that you received no assistance, no accommodations?

Mr. DP:  What are you talking about?

Me:  It's a yes or no question.  Isn't it true that you received no assistance, no accommodations?

Mr. DP:  You mean like a disability accommodation or a scholarship or loan?  (Seeing my face) No, no disability accommodation.

Me:  And you graduated -- unassisted -- from a top law school, correct?

Mr. DP:  Sigh.  Yes.  Where is this going?

Me:  So we've established that you have no disabilities.  No HEARING problems.

Mr. DP:  Oh, I see.  Yes, I see and I hear.  Yes, you are correct. I can hear.  No hearing loss.

Me:  So, when I said we were having leftover turkey and cranberry sauce for dinner and please do not eat it for lunch, your ears were working?

Mr. DP:  (laughing) Yes.  At least I think they were.

Me:  So, when you ate the turkey and cranberry for lunch you were doing so despite the fact that I asked you not to? 

Mr. DP:  I don't remember.

Me:  Not remembering is an unacceptable answer.

Mr. DP:  What do you want me to say?

Me:  I want you to say THE TRUTH.  That you heard me but wanted the turkey anyway.  Or, that you just don't listen to a word I say.

Mr. DP:  Ok, I guess I wasn't listening.

Me:  What is going on in your head when you are not listening to me?

Mr. DP:  What?

Me:  Don't be funny.  Women every where want to know.  WHAT IS GOING ON INSIDE THAT HEAD OF YOURS?

Mr. DP:  I don't know.

Me:  I don't know is an unacceptable answer.  

Mr. DP:  Ok, stuff.  Just stuff.

Me:  You are thinking about women, aren't you?  About your job?  About football?  About snow?

Mr. DP:  Yes

Me:  No

Mr. DP:  What do you mean No?

Me:  I mean "yes" is not an answer to a multiple choice question.

Mr. DP:   Get over here.  You've got too much going on in that brain of yours. 

Me:  The Christmas season is over.  I'm back to being me.  No tracks.  I'm HAPPY and paying attention to you again.

Mr. DP:  Yea, my Joanie is back! 

Dear Paperlicious: Mr. DP Tries

I just returned from getting a copy of Papercrafts Holiday Cards & More (Vol 4) magazine. 

Me:  Look, Claire is on the cover!  She made the tree on this cover.

Mr. DP:  Really?  With paper and stamps and stuff?

DP:  Yes, it's amazing isn't it?

Mr.  DP:  Huh!  Anyone could do that.

DP:  Oh, come on.  Look at the stuff in this magazine. It is amazing.

Mr. DP:  Really?  They probably pay the magazine to put their stuff in there. 

DP:  Quit trash talking Claire!

Mr. DP:  Oh, is Claire the new Debbie?

DP: No, Claire is Claire.  Debbie is still Debbie.  And Julie is still Julie.

Mr. DP:  And Joan is still Joan.  Don't forget, there is only one Dear Paperlicious.

DP:  Who cares about stupid goofy columns??  Why does my stuff look so ordinary and their stuff rocks?  All the time.

Mr. DP:  Don't they have art backgrounds?

DP:  Yes, they do.  And I bet I could out talk them in court any day! Hey...

Mr. DP:  Wait a minute.  You tricked me.  I do not agree that Claire and Debbie rock and you don't and it is because they have art backgrounds and you are just a lawyer.  I never said any of this.  I'm going to play my guitar. 

DP:  You agree, don't you?????  Their stuff does rock and my stuff is ordinary.

Mr. DP:  I can't hear you. 

Dear Paperlicious: They're Just Not That Into You

Dear Paperlicious:

I don't get it.  My blog and my galleries get very few comments.  I know that folks are taking the time to look at my stuff.  I think it is rude not to comment!!!  What do you think?

Signed,

Annoyed

Dear Annoyed:

Traditional Feel Good Response:  I just checked your gallery/blog and it is awesome!!! 

However, the internet, (blogs, galleries) is a VERY crowded place.  Focus on one or two companies and be a frequent flyer on their forums/contests/challenges/blogs.  If you focus on one or two companies, you are much more likely to get noticed. 

Dear Paperlicious Response:  Maybe -- They're Just Not That Into You. 

Ok, I just checked your blog.  The pictures are tiny!  And your use of 7 fonts is distracting.  And that card?  Girl, we need to talk.

Now don't get all huffy on me.  Hey, ever look at some of my stuff?  They're just not that into me too! 

While I wouldn't go so far as to say my work bites, it is -- AVERAGE.  So maybe taking an overpriced marker and coloring in a pot of flowers on special overpriced paper isn't my thing. 

Or on occasion I violate some mysterious design rule that I don't even know exists -- who knew things have to be grounded??  (Speaking of which, how come only certain things have to be grounded??) 

Or we don't have the patience to work on something until it looks its best.  Or the work is fabulous, but the photography is horrible.  Or only one out 5 things we make is good. 

We have an excuse!  This is a hobby we squeeze in between feeding the homeless and finding a cure for swine flu! 

And, really, before you chuck your supplies -- even really good stampers aren't perfect.  I saw frayed ribbon on [insert very very famous person]'s blog once.  It was the happiest day of my life.

So, maybe the next time you are wondering why you don't get a lot of comments or don't get selected for design teams or [fill in the blank on what's eating at you]: it's possible that they're just not that into you.

Signed,

They're Just Not That Into Me Too And That's All Right

Dear Paperlicious: Info FOR CHA Vendors

Dear Loyal Readers/Fans/Paperlicious Wannabees/CHA VENDORS:

As you must already know, I'm going to CHA on Friday and Saturday.  (For my vast non stamping friends audience, this is the Craft and Hobby Association convention in Orlando.  Yes, I'm taking a plane and yes I have my huge bottle of drugs for that very purpose.  That's how desperate I am to go.)

MR. DP is staying behind to cause trouble while I'm gone.  Will do his usual bad guy stuff (running and playing the guitar and sobbing 'cause he misses me.)

But enough personal stuff. 

NOTE to VENDORS not staying for the consumer portion of CHA:  I see that you wholesale vendors will be gone by the time Paperlicious arrives.  This is fine.  I'm not interested in learning about new stuff coming up in the next 6 months. I'm still working on a "must have" list from 2002.

Note to VENDORS THAT WILL BE THERE ON FRIDAY AND SATURDAY:

Paperlicious is "open for business."  There is "space available" in this blog for you.  You pay, you play.  Payment should be in the form of product.  No need to keep records!!  And if you vendors are up to your eyeballs in yarn, beads and stamps and don't quite get it, let me spell it out.

I want free stuff.  Give me free stuff and I'll say nice things about you.

I want free stuff.  Don't give me free stuff and I'll make up bad things about you.

Just consider me a regular member of what passes for journalism today.

Sincerely,
DP

Dear Paperlicious: Resigns as Blog and Stamp Czar!

Bulletin
Dateline:  July 14, 2009

Dear Paperlicious Statement:

After over a year in the spotlight I have other opportunities and will pursue them. No one in this industry is going to keep me and my family from pursuing great adventures, good golly look at that fish, and much success.  You don't have to be the CZAR to be effective.

There are many ways that I can serve the public without cow towing to the media and big interests like Bicoastal Stampers and whatnot.  I am not afraid of what the world has to offer and want an opportunity to serve and stay in blogging and stamping but not as the Czar.

I have served with honor, keeping my readers filled with juicy tidbits and amazing stamping, setting the standard for others to follow (I'm sure you've noticed that as soon as I stamp something, others get on the bandwagon so fast that they reveal themselves to be not true artists but only crafters).  There are many imitators, but only one Dear Paperlicious. 

Oh, you won't have me to kick around in the stamping world, but I am not going away.  You betcha I will be here serving each and every one of you, whether through button deals, endorsements of many flavors, or other opportunities.  I will not tolerate, oh did you see that amazing sunset here on the lake?, and therefore, my other pursuit$ are calling. 

(Background:  Questions from reporters)

No, I am not taking any questions now.  Yes, I will be doing the yoga calendars and the fishing and I will have my Etsy and my twitter.  Thank you for coming.

Dear Paperlicious: do you know what day it is?

First, here's another card I made.  See the previous post for chatter on the design, etc. 

*****************************************************

Sunday June 14th:

DP:  Do you know what day it is?
Mr. DP:  Flag day?

DP:  Yes, but that isn't what I was going for.
Mr. DP:  (Ruminating out loud).  It's Sunday ... it's not your birthday ... it is June 14th ... not our anniversary.  Nope. No idea.

DP:  Ok, it was kind of a trick question. Do you know what day it is at midnight?
Mr. DP:  It's Papertrey Release Day!  Should we have cake for dessert?

DP:  Cute, husband man.  Yes it is!  Although I think it is kind of scary that you know this and even know who Nichole is.
Mr. DP:  Doesn't every decent husband of a stamper know that the 15th of the month is Papertrey Release Day?

DP:  Like I said, maybe I talk a bit too much about stamping.  Or maybe you've got a crush on Nichole! 
Mr. DP:  Oh please.  I'm just trying to relate.  Show I listen.  By the way, what are the new colors this month?  What are you getting?

DP:  I've created a very strange husband..........

Dear Paperlicious Answers Your Questions

Dear Paperlicious has received a few emails from RPWRMB  (random people who read my blog):

RPWRMB:  Hey DP!  Did you ever become a demo for SU?
DP:  Yes

RPWRMB:  Can I buy something from you?
DP:  No

RPWRMB:  What kind of demo is that?
DP:  My kind

RPWRMB :  Do you really have these conversations with Mr. DP?
DP:  Ok, here's the "real real truth"  -- I'm a 49 year old single guy who lives with his mother in the basement of her house.  There is no Mr. DP. 

RPWRMB:  Um, really?
DP:  Sigh, of course not!!  Yes, I speak with Mr. DP and capture our repartee on the blog.  It gets us through the bad stuff of life (that and watching House Hunters).

RPWRMB:  Have you ever thought of writing a book?
DP:  Have you ever thought of paying to read my blog?  ....  That's what I thought.  So, no, no book in sight.

RPWRMB:  What is your real job?  Are you really a lawyer?  You seem too nice to be a lawyer.
DP:  Yes, I am a lawyer.  A real lawyer.  And, no, I am not nice.  When in the office I act like a nasty mean lawyer, speak in doublespeak, speak in doublespeak, and constantly threaten my co-workers with injunctions.  My clients despise me.  Accordingly, I am hugely successful and can afford to stamp.

RPWRMB:  Where do you get your ideas for the blog?
DP:    They pop up, usually at 3 am.

RPWRMB:  Are you sure you are not a 49 year old single guy who lives with his mother in the basement of her house?
DP:  Um, got to go. Mother is calling.

Dear Paperlicious: Mr. DP and Stampin Up!

DP:  I'm thinking of signing up to be an SU demo again.
Mr. DP:  Why?  That place is a cult.

DP:  A cult?
Mr. DP:  Yeah.  A cult.

DP:  Why would you say such a stupid thing?  You have no basis for such a ridiculous statement.
Mr. DP:  They have conventions.

DP:  So if you have a convention you are a cult?
Mr. DP:  Yes

DP:  Are the Democrats and Republicans a cult?
Mr. DP:  Yes

DP:  Is the American Bar Association a cult?  Is the Energy Bar Association, of which you are a MEMBER, a cult?
Mr. DP:  Yes

DP:  You are weird.
Mr. DP:  Sticks and stones, baby, sticks and stones.

DP:  So there is a deal that if you pay a very very small amount of money you can become a demo.  Then I'll get the discount and be able to order for myself and I really like the paper and how the patterned paper matches my inks and stuff and I'll probably only stay a demo for a few months and drop it like the last 2 times, so it is barely worth mentioning.  I just can't seem to stamp anything nice lately and I want to try it out.

Mr. DP:  I guess the $25 a month budget thing isn't happening any more???

DP:    Oh, you little evil man.  I spend like 20% of what I used to spend.  The "spend all you want it is good for you therapy relaxing I love you you are the best wife in the world" was all a BIG FAT LIE, wasn't it?  Listen, Mr. DP Big Shot Deputy General Counsel, this isn't about money, it is about the STATE OF OUR MARRIAGE AND I'M NOT SURE I CAN TRUST ANYTHING YOU SAY! 

Mr. DP:  I love you.
DP:  I love you too.  [insert massive hugs].

Dear Paperlicious: Mr. DP is Supportive

DP:  Is my stamping worth it?
Mr. DP:  Yes, it settles you down.

DP:  What's that supposed to mean?
Mr. DP:  It is calming, relaxing.  A hobby.  A good thing.

DP:  Well, what about the stuff I make?
Mr. DP:  It's fine.  NO NO NO.  Not fine... Fabulous...Amazing...the rest of those stampers seethe with jealousy at your stuff.

DP:  And?
Mr. DP:  They talk about you behind your back.  They KNOW they'll never be better than you. 

DP:  And?
Mr. DP:  Like I said, it settles you down.  Time to stamp now? 

Dear Paperlicious: Book Contract Signed!!

Dateline:  April 1, 2009

Contact:  Dear Paperlicious

Press Release

Today, April 1st, Dear Paperlicious and Random Books announce the soon-to-be-released book that will

RIP THE FACE OFF THE UNDERBELLY OF THE PAPERCRAFTING WORLD.

Dear Paperlicious' Tell All, tentatively entitled

Papercraft Secrets THEY Don't Want You to Know is expected to be in stores in time for Christmas 2009.  Reserve your copy now!!

A sneak peek reveals the chapter titles. 

1.  Adhesive Wars -- how the ATG Gun stuck it to Tombow.

2.  Tombow's Revenge -- the secrets behind the biggest endorsement in the liquid glue world.

3.  Environmental Nightmares -- how excess eyelets are threatening your child's future.

4.  Budget Busters -- the inside tips on how to avoid deficit spending (hint: Mastercard is not priceless.)

5.  When Nichole Met Shelli -- finally the truth can be told.

6.  Design Team Disasters -- the confessions of a design team member and how it almost cost her life.

7.  Matchy/Matchy -- why cardstock, ink and ribbon DO NOT HAVE TO MATCH.

8.  Are You Addicted to Copics?  How cheap alcohol wrecked my health and how you can break the habit.

9.  Challenges Gone Wild -- one stamper's insight to the dark side of challenges and why you must resist the pom pom craze.

10.  and finally....clear vs. rubber...the Intervention Episode that you will NEVER forget....