The "N" Word

I got a few emails asking me where I've been.  That was sweet.  I've run off and joined the circus!  I'm its chief juggler!  Perhaps that sounds familiar to you?

My Mom got sick again.  A trip to the ER, diagnosis:  another urinary tract infection and pneumonia.

I am unable to continue to handle all of this so the first thing that went was any energy for stamping.  Luckily, however, during one sleepless night this week, I found a great deal of fun and friendship on the Stampin Up demo side of the Splitcoaststampers board.  Sometimes, in our moments of intense drama, a little levity keeps you breathing.  Thanks ladies!

The next thing that has gone is my ability to continue working and being a Mom and a wife and a caretaker.  I'm not a very good juggler after all!

There are simply too many emergencies. I fell last week and injured my knee and arm and I think that added to my sense that things are spinning out of control. I need to do something -- the killer is what is the "something" that I need to do?  It is easy to say, take care of yourself, but there are realities ($$$) that put a limit on the options.

So I discussed this with my Mom over the phone.  I have never been able to have a decent conversation with her in person, but the phone provides just enough distance and a curtain so that we can each speak our minds.  I shared with her my inability to handle this.    She brought up the "N" word - Nursing Home. 

It was amazingly helpful for me to have my Mom offer that option.  She, frankly, hasn't been the most generous of spirit at times.  The last few years have been all about her.  So, she showed me the greatest love she has ever shown me by making that offer.  I felt loved by her and that isn't a feeling that I've felt a great deal over the years. 

I turned it down. 

For now.  I'm not ready for the N word as I don't think it is Necessary.  I've decided that they are my new N words -- Nursing home and Necessary. 

I'm not sure what decisions I will make as the days wear on, but thanks for being part of the ride.

I hope I can squeeze some energy and time this weekend for a bit of stamping.  But if not, my
stuff will be waiting for me. 

Comments

[krystie lee]

Wow, that's great that she made the offer. It really shows a concern and love for you. I have the utmost respect for anyone who provides care to another person in their homes. I've seen it in my family and it can be so exhausting for the caregiver. You may want to consider other options, like day care facilities or respite care, just to get a break and have more balance in your life. Take care of yourself!

[Leslie Miller]

Oh, my, Joan. I felt a chill reading this post. I was very moved by your sharing of all the turmoil in your heart and head right now. Truthfully? You're never far from my thoughts.

[LorieW]

Sounds like you need the "M" word. "Mental Health Day". I would be taking a day or three off work while your mom is in the hospital to recoup your physical and mental strength! Hope that knee heals soon, take care.

[Conniecrafter]

Sorry to hear your mom took a turn for the worse and that you had a fall too! It is hard when alot of things hit us all at once. Glad that your mom gave you the feeling that the option of the Nursing home is ok with her if you ever need that to happen. Hope you can come to some realization of what to do for the best of everybody! I know it is one of the most toughest decisions in life!

[denise]

just wanted to check in and let you know i'm thinking of you - hugs!

[Linda Mcclain]

Joan - God love you for all you're going through. After my sister and I tried to take care of her, we placed my mother in a wonderful assisted living facility and I continued to have lunch with her every day. My only regret is that I didn't rescue my sister sooner - i.e., before she began to regret taking care of Mom so much that it became harder for her to love her. There are so many alternatives now. A lot of facilities offer "respite" care, which just means they admit your Mom for just a day or a weekend to give you a break. Home health can also be a big help, as well as adult day care. We used nearly all those options, and many of them were a huge help. Mom passed away a little over a year ago, and now I work in nursing home regulation. If there's anything I can do, please e-mail me.

[kat]

Your Mom was showing that she loves you and giving you a golden parachute if you needed it and now you know it is there if you should need to make that decision. My only advise to you - one day at a time... that's all you can do. Find joy in the time that you have left with your Mom -it could be a week or is could be many more years.

Know that you are a great daughter... Me, well, my Mom would have already been in the N place... We are like oil and vinegar - we don't mix!!!

[Mary C. Anderson]

Hi Joan,

I sure wish I had some wonderful words of wisdom for you but I don't. It sounds as though your mother is ready to accept the idea of going to a Nursing Home. Most parents are never ready for that. Your Mom certainly does love you and heaven knows you love your Mom. You will know what to do when you need to do something. You have managed very well thus far. You are my hero Joan.

I am so sorry that you fell. I hope that you are feeling better by now and did not do any serious damage to your knee or arm. All you can do is the best that you can do. This is my attitude and it has gotten me through lots of tough times and not so very good days. Im thinking of you.

Mary

[Jayne]

Being the caregiver to aging parents is probably one of the hardest things we will ever do in life. It's right up there with being a parent, ourselves. I never had my mom in my home, but I watched her slowly go downhill and that's so hard. We're with you, Joan, in spirit. Thank you for sharing the bad times as well as the good with us. We learn from both. Hugs, Jayne

[Shawn Kreig]

Joan,

Ouch! Physically, spiritiually, and emotionally! You amaze me with your ability to keep on going with all that is happening in your life. I work with a lot of families and kids in crisis and one thing that I always try to remind them is to keep their perspective (which you seem to be doing quite well) and to be kind to themselves. This is a tough situation and you are doing your best and that is really all that you can do! Be as kind to yourself as you would be with a friend going through a similar situation.

Sending strength and perspective thoughts to you! Hang in there!

Shawn

[Juanita]

On NO, I'm so sorry that you fell and your mom is in the hospital again!! My heart and body feel for your pain. I'm very happy for you that your mom gave your "N" word offer and you are absolutely correct that it is a sign of love and caring, and that she is thinking of you.
HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY! WOW, what thoughts passed through my mind when writing that, it gives the sentiment a whole new meaning when I think about your life at the moment.

You know that we will be waiting for you along with your stamping "stuff".

PRAYERS, HUGS, and LOVE!

[Joy B]

I am so sorry to hear that you are still having a tough time. Have you considered in home care for you mother? I am a Home Health Aid and we provide so many things for people like your mother. It enables them to stay in their home longer yet still have companionship and the physical care they need. And the best thing is Medicare will pay for it. Along with a care giver she will have a nurse too!!! Just a thought. Hang in there, I will keep you and you mother in my prayers!!

[Connie Pruitt]

Hi Joan,
I have missed you too! I get a real kick out of your blog. I will be thinking of you and hope things will work out for the best. I have told my mom she will never go to a nursing home. And it sounds really good, but reality is awful. And I will do all I can to help her keep from this. Sometimes its out of our hands and we have to do whatever is best for all. Have a great mothers day and maybe some rest.

[Carolyn King]

Joan-So sorry to hear about your mom's hospitalization. Hugs and prayers for both of you.
I am so glad you had that conversation with her. There may come a time when you NEED to use the N word--you are such a good daughter and you are whether or Not your mom is in a Nursing home. Remember that!
Hugs!

[Patti]

sorry for the typos in my previous post! Its early in Indy this morning!

[Patti]

How fitting to have this conversation with you Mom as we get ready to celebrate Mother's Day. Because - how funny life works - you are now the mom to your mom. But you can't treat her like a teenager - she's your mom! I know you will continue to do your absolute best ~ very smart to bring things here so we can share, offer comments and prayers, laugh with you, cry with you, and just gnerally enjoy a cyberspace friendship. At least for me, I'm not lucky enough to live in your neck of the woods! So, from Indiana - keep on smiling Joan B - we love you!

[Victoria]

You poor thing! I hope you have a relaxing weekend, and I'll pray that the Lord will help you deal with all you have.
God bless you!

[Rose Ann]

I sorry your Mom has been hospitalized again, and that you were hurt as well. Sending my love and hugs, Joan! I have been thinking of you.

[Ramona]

Joan, I have been silently reading your blog for several months and enjoying your amazing sense of humor and holding you up in my prayers as you deal with your mom. I lost my mom in '89, but she was very difficult and unfortunately I have some good and bitter memories. One thing I did learn was to take care of my husband, children and myself! You MUST do the same. If you don't, you will not be good for anyone. Thank you for sharing your life with perfect strangers. You are a very talented woman. You are an amazingly strong woman. Maybe you're not the best juggler, but you can't be the best at everything! Hang in there!

[Jeanne]

Sending you a {{BIG HUG}} Joan!!!
I agree with the others and will remind you that if you don't take care of yourself, you cannot take care of others.
How about a good long soak in the tub--it's good for the soul....come out about next Tuesday, things might be better by then ;-)

[Loni Reynolds]

Joanie, I can really identify with your angst. I, too, have a self-involved mother who can be difficult. She is 83 and has always been all about herself. I'm pretty sure I will never hear her make the offer your mother just did. Experiencing dark times has taught me three things: 1) life gives you more than you can handle sometimes, so handle what you can and don't feel guilty about the rest; 2) this difficult time will eventually end, even though it seems forever, and life will be full of joy again; and, 3) having caring friends during the ride can make the unendurable endurable. Keep sharing and do as many little things for yourself as you can. It was during a very dark period that I recognized I needed to take care of me and said, "Stop the world, I wanna get off for a while." It was the beginning of rubber stamping in my life! Who knew? Hugs to you, girlfriend!

[Anne S]

I can't even imagine the emotional toll that all this must be taking on you! I sure hope that even if it's just 10 minutes, try taking a walk, or getting away by yourself for some time to think and recharge. It will never be enough, but it will give you a bit of space.

Good luck with your decision! I have complete confidence that you will make the right one for you, your family and your mother in time.

[Debra]

You're a smart lady Joan. Talking on the phone was the best thing to do. Often you can say things on the phone you can't say in person. You'll make the best decision you can when it comes time to make it. Can you take one evening or one day a week and go to a stamping class, or a spa, or just somewhere for you only? Something you enjoy. That may help.

[Lorie]

Joan, even though I don't know you personally I've been reading your blog for sometime. One thing I know is that you always do the best with the information you have at the time. Continue doing that keeping an eye on the things going on around you and you will do what you know is best at just the right time. Hugs and prayers for you and your mom. Tell her that the Giants will probably be able to stomp the Packers without Farve this year...that should get a grin out of her!!! :o)

[Shannan Teubner]

Hugs, Joan! We're going through the same thing right now with my grandma...it's not fun!