I Do

Mike:  "ooh, I like this."
Me:  "Really?"  [always a dumb question]
Mike:  "Well, I like the colors.  I like bright colors."
Me:  "What don't you like?"
Mike:  Gesturing towards the pinwheel -- "It's kind of empty up there."
Me:  "It's all going in the blog..."

So, I added an Amuse twinkle in the center of the pinwheel and cut the bottom of the card. 

Supplies:  Stampin Up Orchid Opulence (still using it up) and White cardstock; Stampendous image and sentiment; very old Close To My Heart Gingham background; my Mom's pinking sheers for sewing (don't tell her I'm cutting paper with them!); SU markers and a Copic marker to color the SU Old Olive eyelet so it would kinda match the pinwheeel.

Since I haven't had an original idea in years, I must give a shout out to Julie Ebersole for the idea of stamping the pinwheel a few times to show motion....

For more of my life, click.  Some of you may not like what's beyond the click, but that's ok....

So, serendipity saved my Mom's life a couple of weeks ago.  A doctor's appointment scheduled at just the time she was sick.  Some of you will call it God's will, others sheer luck.  Either way, she is here and alive.

I can't help but wonder if that's a good thing. 

She's been sick and sicker for 2 years now.  If she hadn't been to the doctor, she would have fallen asleep and died.  Is that such a bad way to die?  I don't think so.  She's back to worrying about falling (mini panic attack every time she takes a step), brief bouts of nausea, frail and weak, back pain, etc. 

Am I horrible for wondering if dying in your sleep, I mean her sleep, is a good thing?  And for whom would it be good?  My Mom or me or both or neither? 

I was flooded with relief when her infection was caught, but just a bit me of wondered....would it have been better if it went unnoticed?  And, so then the days of questioning my feelings.

I've come to the conclusion that it doesn't matter what I think as long as I do -- do give her the proper medications, the proper diet, the proper companionship, medical care, and laughter.  I'm not beating myself up over wondering when death is a blessing, a tragedy, or both, and whether my feelings are normal, shameful, or a mixture. 

Sometimes I do joyfully, other times wearily.  But, I do. 

Comments

[Leslie Miller]

Your feelings are normal and acceptable and I agree with your conclusion. I also like your card and enjoyed Mike's critique. The eyelet is a cool idea and I love the movement of the pinwheel.

[Juanita]

P.S. I LOVE the card and I think it's perfect!! Great colors too. TFS.

[Juanita]

I understand you 1000000%!!!. As we get older we understand life better through wisdom. So, we learn to look at things from MANY different angles. We think about others first instead of ourselves. When it's a parent we don't ever want to see them die; however, we've learned that suffering day after day after day is so hard on them and it is selfish of us to want them to continue on.

My dad lives in Long Island, NY, he is 86 and basically alone. He is on chemotherapy every two weeks for the rest of his life. He suffers so much afterward for approximately 5-6 days. His rock was my brother who died on Dec. 24th 2006. We can't get him to come to Ohio...he doesn't want to come. I understand how people feel about living in THEIR homes. Even if he comes here I couldn't do much for him other than make him laugh, it would be 99% on my sister, and my children. He was an absentee grandfather and I'm always working with them about forgiveness, yet I understand their feelings because he abandoned me at age 11. It took forever and lots of persuasion from my DH to even speak to my dad. I did come around, finally. My SIL helps as much as she can and my nieces and nephew show up once in a while. I don't like his situation but his feelings can't be changed. No matter what you think your mom won't be changed by it, you are entitled to your feelings and I applaude you for sharing them.

PRAYERS & HUGS.

[ERIN]

Super cute card. I really like the movement stamping of the pinwheel.

[Karen]

Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings on caring for your elderly, frail mother. My mother is still in good health, but your posts help me to remember not to take that for granted. And if sharing your thoughts and feelings on your difficult calling (caring for your ailing mother) help make that load easier to bear, then that's a good thing. I don't think it's wrong at all to hope that when it's your mother's time to go, that it's a peaceful end without distress. Best wishes to you and your mom.

PS I love the card, especially the white space in the design, which really makes it work. I'm always tempted to fill up those spaces but this card makes me realize that's not always a good idea.

[Pat]

Hi Joan,
My heart go out to you and your mom. I know what you are going through. I took care of my mom for 3 1/2 years. She passed away 3 years ago the day before Mother's day.
Love and blessings.

[Susan]

Of course there's nothing wrong in thinking these thoughts - everyone with sick, elderly relatives probably has these thoughts - most everyone, I should say. We've been in the that situation with my mom (who is 88 and in a nursing home, in better health now than she was before the nursing home), and with my in-laws. My MIL is almost 92 and she's in a nursing home (a GREAT one!) - she's in a wheelchair, but I would say that she's still living her life and enjoying it. She goes to activities, socializes with people, keeps up on current events and family happenings. However, my FIL, who is almost 90, is physically doing fine - he's in the assisted living area of the same wonderful facility - but mentally he's losing more of himself every day. He used to go visit Mom twice a day, now he gets his wife of almost 60 years confused with his own mother. He doesn't know if he knows the way to her room. And when he asks my husband about "my house", now he doesn't mean his latest house, or the house my hubby grew up in, but the house HE grew up in. He's lost many years of memories. He knows my husband (by phone, by sight), but no longer knows who I am, or that he has 3 granddaughters and 1 great-granddaughter! When Jim told him about the birth of the new baby, he was concerned because he "doesn't know all these people." We've already seen Dad's brother die of Alzheimers/dementia, and we hate to see Dad getting worse and worse and you wonder about quality of life, and the meaning of it when someone is in this state. And I'm thankful that God is God and I am not - I'm thankful that God will decide when each of our lives will end and how. Joan, I'll be praying for you and your family as you deal with these issues - whether you do the hands-on care-taking or not, you're definitely in the thick of it!

Hugs,
Susan

[Laura (scrapnextras)]

Oh Joan, there is nothing wrong with acknowledging your feelings, so I'm glad you're not beating yourself up. You have every right to wonder and question. And you are "doing" the right thing. I'm listening...and I hope to not have to deal with the situation you have on your hands. Bless you.

[susanbluerobot]

wonderful card thanks for showing us

[Sharon in NE]

I completely understand. One minute my 89 yr old dad is as sweet as can be and the next minute he is trying to bite me as I am making him get out of his wet diapers. I want to whisper "go towards the light", but he doesn't do what I tell him to do anyway. ;)

(I might as well keep my sense of humor since my sanity seems to be draining quickly.)

[Conniecrafter]

Love the stamping of the pinwheels, very cool, like the matting and colors!
The only way I can make sense of things is to know God takes us for a reason and he leaves us for a reason, we may not see it now or we may never see it, but that is just the way I feel.
Take care!

[Jessica Canham]

Your card is so cute! I love the zigzag borders. And your thoughts about your mom sound normal to me. God bless you for doing the right thing, as hard as it is.

[diane mcvey]

You are totally human for having these feelings! And very brave for sharing them, subject to criticism from some that might not agree...but I have had a sick Mom myself, and know that there are times that it IS better to go to sleep and not wake up. You are doing everything that you can to make her life the best it can be, and no one can ask for more than that. I hope she will pass peacefully, when it is her time. No one knows when that is, but I never wish suffering on anyone (ok, maybe Charles Manson) ...but you know what I mean. Kudos to you for caring for her, I'm sure you are doing a great job!
Hang in there, and know that there are others that realize what a hard thing it is that you are doing. :)

[LateBlossom]

Joan, you are right: what matters is what you "do", not what you think. And your thoughts are entirely understandable. We have amazing power to preserve life, but is that power always humane, always justified? Impossible to say. And that leaves caregivers in an impossible situation. ((((hugs)))) Prayers coming your way.